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Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I must be the dumbest person on earth, imprudence sends me memories. I am the queen of idiocy and the mother of all carelessness.
Mother. That word.
Oh God ... I'm going to be a mother!
In the bathroom of my room, I read the blood test I did to make sure that the three pregnancy tests done earlier were wrong ... as if they could be. My God, how could I be so careless? I have nauseous, but I know it's because of the news. I can't attribute it to the morning effects of pregnancy since it's three in the afternoon and I haven't even had a bite.
My eyes are full of tears because emotionally I´m divided, and when my emotions become chaos I cry. Much.
I feel scared because I know that becoming a mother is scary, the fact that a little person depends entirely on you is something that makes you want to run away to hide with mom.
I also feel emotion, that is because I will no longer be alone, a little being will come to rejoice my life with sincere affection, and I will give him my unconditional love, that is something that gives me some peace in chaos.
Finally, I feel ashamed, that's what I like least, but it is so. I´m bound by a married man, and although I know the terms of his situation well, I am still ashamed.
I am neither the first nor the last woman to be going through this, and surely many of those girls or women don´t see it with shame or as a bad thing, that is fine for them... but personally, my situation doesn´t seem like the better, as I see it, is the perception of my life and I tend to take my perceptions very seriously.
I keep flogging mentally because I knew that I should get away from him… a man who isn´t available to me, that is what the fucking attraction does, that the more time you spend with that person and it is reciprocated you enter a kind of spell... Things happen that shouldn´t. Of course we don´t have justification ... it is true that we aren´t responsible for developing feelings towards other people that occurs naturally, what we are responsible for is the actions we take because of that and its possible consequences.
As now, I already feel bad for having slept with him on a drunken night, we should move away as we had promised, but a celebration with a little alcohol on the body and send all good intentions to the devil.
I need to talk to someone, I immediately think of my best friend.
I leave my room quickly and look for the keys to my car, opening the door almost gives me a heart attack by the surprise of finding the cause of my big problems. Right now, part of me, that tells me that only I am to blame, because I already knew his situation, is silenced to avoid feeling more ashamed. Not that I achieved it much.
“We need to talk”. Those gray eyes, that I have come to love look at me sadly. Paleness furrowing his face.
“I can't, I'm going out”. My voice trembled, showing nervousness.
“It already happened”. He said with watery eyes. I felt worse still.
When I detailed it, I noticed that it seemed that I had not slept for many days, it gave me pain that it is that bad. The least I want in the world is to suffer, because regardless of what is happening, is a wonderful man. That sweetness and that human quality was what got me to fall in love with him woke up that part in me that I thought died a long time ago, but I haven't lost that capacity to love.
But seeing it, I can recognize that love; more than beautiful moments, it is surrender, it is sacrifice and it is pain.
But this story doesn´t start here.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: All rights reserved © 2019 CAROLINA SILVA. Reproduction, in whole or in part, of this work, by any means or procedure, without the prior and express consent of the author is prohibited.