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Have yo ever thought about how you will go? How you will die? How you will have no regrets from this life to the next (if you believe in that). I have.
I have always thought about that. I have this crazy thought about not living past 50 years and a strong feeling of dying of cancer. I have not really thought about what sort of, just simply cancer.
I would however had done all that i want. Have a career and a happy family. And when the time comes, i would be ready to go and with no regrets whatsoever. I'm twenty now and everyday i wake up and smile at my family.
"Good morning love." i smile brightly at my beautiful mother. My biggest support. I leaned in for a warm embrace and a kiss on the cheek.
"Good morning to you." she smiled at me opening her arms wide to embrace me.
My mom was so strong that she let go of her unfaithful husband of twenty years to be there for us. I could see how happy she has become since she left him. She found studying to be fun again, like she had done once before all of this happened to her.
I sit down on the table that holds nothing for breakfast.
"Foooooodd!" i demand.
She gives me a look and points at the fridge. I stand up and open it to look through it. I see melon and i am pretty happy so i take it out and start to slice it. I slice enough for me and 4 more people, meaning all of it to be exact. I put it on the table and start munching as i watch my mom do the dishes.
"Melon?" i ask her.
"I had breakfast and am full but thank you." she states as she takes a slice.
I smile at her action. Every time. How cute.
"Mom. I have something really important to tell you."
"What is it? I hope you did not do something stupid again." she said in a not so amused voice.
"You know sand?"
"What about it?" she seemed annoyed at the coming information that she knew wasn't as important as she had wished.
There is more sand corns than stars in our sky. But i was not about to tell her that. I passed that piece of information and just blurted. "I love you as much as there is sand on this earth."
She just simply acted as if she never heard me.
"Do the dishes." she said coldly.
I was a little disappointed at the fact. I had hoped she would say it back. But we all knew that in this family this shit ain't gonna happen. Excuse my ratchet outburst, it comes out sometimes. I learnt it from my beloved sister (note the sarcasm). She is the most ratchet person i know in fact.
By the way let me introduce my family. My mom and little sister My. An older brother Moe and our youngest Mike. My father is a shadow over us. He is there but not really. He has his own family and job in another city and we call one another every now and then nothing more nothing less.
"School." i get disturbed by a scream of what sounds like my mom.
I look up at the clock. Oh shit! It's 7.30 and the bus is leaving in 10. I leave my half-eaten third slice and run up to gather my jacket, bag and lunchbox that i pre made yesterday. I ran out of the door.
It takes four minutes to the bus stop and i have to give the bus three minutes before and after its approximated arrival time. I take the bus then train then bus again to be standing in front of my school. The pending of 40 minutes every morning and another 40 minutes home.
Most people find it both time and money consuming and tell me to just move into the city already. But i just can't bear to leave my family just yet. And i really love the landscape that i get treated to every morning. It's so worth it all year round.
As i arrive at our school building i am fully awake and calmed down. Our school lays between a cemetery, a mental hospital and a daycare. Oh well, it was a nursing school and the building was close to the hospital where we often practice.
"Ayla! We start in 10!" screamed one of my two close friends, Katy.
"I know." i said before turning to the other side of the corridor to put my food in the dining rooms fridge.
"It is outmost important to remember that the human body can not really function correctly if the nervous system is affected in any way that causes the long communication threads of neurons to stop. If the synapses don't receive the signal then we pretty much are fucked." all of us laughed. This lecturer was funny. Neurology was more fun than i expected.
"I am holding a party at my place." Katy said to Joe, my other close friend. She knew i was not coming because of how inconvenient it would be for me to travel back home at 3 am or whatever time the party was ending.
I needed to study more. I failed 3 really hard test about 7 times in total. I needed to get my life together and do this shit. It was my weakness, i have never failed so hard. It was killing me and bringing me into depression. Slowly, I was loosing my control over my life. I was worried i might be after and have this as a regret when i'm dying. I hated the idea. I was not giving up and i was going to succeed. I prayed to God everyday to put me out of my misery, out of this test that i was not strong enough to handle.
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