Font size: - +
I came up with this decision with a heavy heart. I had to do this then, or else I would end up giving myself to emotional devastation. I became too tired already. Tired of running so hard to make both ends meet. Tired of thinking what more could I do in a faster way. Tired of always making the impossible.
Giving myself quite a long time to weigh things out, I made a final decision to move my kids to another school with a lower rate or to a public school near our place. Their current school’s expenses were so high that it would now really go beyond my financial capacity because of my existing insurmountable debts.
This decision was with a painful struggle and confusion. I asked myself so many times whether I made the right choice or not, or I was just losing faith again that God could provide all our needs. I prayed hard that God would show me His will as to where I would send them that year. If I made them stay, my debts would become an endless cycle of running in a rat race again. I would then end in fear and frustration. Or, I might end up breaking apart.
God knew how I wanted to provide them with the best education. He knew how I wanted to let them stay in the same school to protect, especially my son, from ridicule and unacceptance. He knew how I tried to shield him from bullying and the possible destruction of his self-esteem.
This new school became the channel of my son's massive changes and development. For those two years he was there, I saw his excitement every day. I saw how safe and friendly the environment was. I saw no discrimination, even among the parents and teachers, to less fortunate people like us. Most of all, Jesus was their theme and they spoke his name everywhere.
Somehow, I decided to give myself a chance to rest this year — a plan to cut all my high expenses off to stop those loan interests and penalties which burdened me for so long.. I asked God to allow me to clear off those mind-boggling debts through the new business I engaged in that year. Perhaps because I already became so desperate to live one day at a time.
Yet, this decision came with the fear that my son might go through the same ordeal of rejection and unacceptance again. Fear that he might experience those bullying incidents again. Fear of that cruelty which happened in his previous school where some of his classmates tied to a post and fed forcefully with stones and leaves.
One night, he told me that his friends from the neighborhood had their first day of class already. So I told him that on the morning of the following day, I would also enroll him and his sister at the same school where most of his friends were.
“Can we go to my school instead, mommy?“
“Why? Are we going to ask permission that you and your sister are going to another school this year?“
“No, mom. We are going to sell more perfumes there so that I can still go to my school."
As loud as my laughter was the echo that went down inside my heart, tearing it apart. I felt hurt that despite his young mind at eight years old, he already understood what it took for us to make a living.
On the following day, he woke up early and urged us to do our morning prayer. Being used to the difficulty of waking him up in the morning, I asked him why, and his answer brought me to tears.
"Because mom, we have a very special request to ask from God."
During my morning shift the following morning in the hospital where I worked, I got so bothered by that little incident with my child. My mind just wouldn't get off from that simple prayer he made. I became guilty then of being too weak, of lacking the faith that God will take care of our needs.
It so happened that our hospital chaplain passed by. I called him up and asked him to pray for me. While He sent my worries to God in prayer, I did not notice that my tears were rolling down one after another. My heart was crying silently, in quiet yearning for His will.
After that short communion with God, I felt something heavy and sharp was drawn out from the core of my being. I then felt a sense of peace deep inside.
A week after that, God answered our prayer in a most surprising way. Nothing indeed is difficult for the Lord. Both of them stayed in the same school even until today, two years after that incident. And I am so awed at how He regarded the faith of a little child.