I Just Can't Say Goodbye

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Unguarded Moment

Little did she know,  that the man beside her was long awakened when she pushed herself snugly in his chest. Somehow,  he waited until she was really asleep. He, then,  pulled up above her with an elbow and watched her for a long time.

As his thoughts flew back when they were yet in their fourth year in high school, he tightened his arm over her waist and pulled her closer. No one knew other than him how he tried to pursue her back then when their friendship started out. He believed that a good relationship should be founded in a  strong bond of friendship. He remembered how careful he was to win her trust. He did many plans on how he would reveal his affection only to be overcome by a sense of insufficiency and cowardice.

The feeling of not being good enough and the fear of being rejected always thwarted his plans. His obsession grew but only to get frustrated once again when he unintentionally read her diary.

"I saw you at a distance and I knew you would be the one I would want to be with in my whole life through.. After last night,  when I held you close..."

He did not finished reading it. Anger and frustration overtook him. All the while he had been trying to win her,  there was someone else in her heart. After all,  he was not worthy. Was she not the school's representative in several competitions from division to national meet? What about him?  Getting a line of 90's for a grade was even difficult. How could a brilliant one like her would ever be proud of someone who never had a single achievement?

One time,  he also saw her so thrilled and infatuated with a schoolmate who sang like Martin Nieverra. And he would never forget when she exclaimed, "a beautiful voice is always my weakness... "

His insecurities were sealed the moment he thought that even a national anthem that they sang every morning would go out of tune with him.

If only he continued to read her diary,  he would have known long ago that the line  he was so mad about,  was Jia's dream to hold him close...

After high school,  he went to their place somewhere in the city to visit her. He already missed so much her company and their friendship. Perhaps,  he could start working out for their friendship once again. He knew that it was about his injured ego back then that prompted him to pretend he was in a relationship with Ayanna.

When he was finally able to gather his courage to visit her at home, he then found out that she and her family moved out to a distant province no one in the neighborhood knew about. He was only informed that she was renting a place in another city near her workplace but no one knew where was it.

Most of all,  Jay never revealed her location no matter how he tried to convince her. She only assured him that he must wait for the right time. She could not betray Jia.

Just as a feeling of regret clouded his mind,  he raised up a hand to caress her head gently. For what seemed like an eternity,  the sense of agony fighting with an inner desire to have her as his own, defeated his self - control.

His gaze deepened and his head slowly bent down. A feather - like kiss touched her forehead but with the influence of the alcohol intoxication in his system,  the light stroke suddenly turned into a deep,  possesive conquer of her lips...

All those times when their friendship started, he already knew deep down inside him  that it was not just a plain friendship. But out of his great respect,  he played the role of a friend until a deep affection blossomed into a new height called love.

Perhaps,  he was just too immature yet when he destroyed the friendship himself by pretending that he was with Ayanna. He knew she was hurt when she started to avoid him. But he lost the courage to take back his words.

He decided to get serious with Ayanna. After all,  this girl was never tired of chasing him.  Every recess period,  she would send him food. Every day,  she would tail him and showered him with with her cards and letters. But everytime she was with her,  his mind would go to Jia. Her presence was an equation of boredom and illness. He was too sick to be with her!

In Jia's dreams,  Anthon was kissing her again. She tightened her grip around his neck and responded eagerly to every clamor of his lips. 
Everytime he stopped,  she got upset. She taunted him and initiated it herself until Anthon fully lost himself.

His kiss became more savage and possesive until his body quivered over the conflicting forces which both drew him back and pushed him forward...

Marilyn Lucero

Edited: 28.08.2019

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