I Just Can't Say Goodbye

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Marry Me

Suddenly unable to breath, she struggled and got bewildered.  She abruptly pulled herself up with narrowed and frightened looks as her eyes swept into Anthon's eyes.  She suddenly got limped as she realized what was happening. She glared at him but words would not come out. She suddenly felt dazzled and powerless. He sat up behind her and in a second,  he threw his arms around her from behind and pulled her close,  his chin rested in his shoulder.

"Jia.. " His voice was hoarse and sad. "Can I hold you just this once, please? "

Just this once?  And not forever? This was such a painful statement.

She may not be able to see him but she could tell the sorrow in his voice. She just could not understand. She knew he was drunk but there was a strong sense of purity and honesty in the way he hugged her. It seemed he had wanted her over a long time to the point of despair yet it seemed  she was just out of his grasp until she's finally  within his reach..

She snapped back in reality.  This was her own feeling which betrayed her and she misconstrued it as his!  How could she be so stupid and weak!  

She struggled again to free herself but he would not let her go. For how long they stayed like this, she could no longer think.  She lost her strength and willpower and eventually yielded to him in full submission. Did she not dream for this moment?  Did she not painfully wanted him likewise?

"What are you doing? " She asked painfully. Her own question seared her heart. She could have said it, "Why did you left? "

Did he ever know how she was hurting when he said he had someone else?  Did he ever know how painful it was to wait for nothing?  How painful it was to long for someone at a distance knowing that he could never be hers?

The rain intensified and the darkness bacame pitch black but  it could not vent out the darkness of her frustrations deep inside.

"Do not fool me. I know you're getting married. "

He tried to speak but was out of words and before she could say anything more,  he tilted her head sideward and savagely drowned out her words in his mouth leaving her out of her senses.  It was beautiful! And instead of fighting back,  she yielded in full surrender.  Let it be... this once!  In his wedding day,  this would not even be a memory. This would just be goodbye.

As their kiss deepened, his hands moved to his shoulders gently but then it became rough and unsteady.  Soon,  she could hear their hearts pounding loudly as their breaths became heavier. Not long after,  her skin warmed under his touch, not knowing it had slid under her clothes. She did not even notice that there was a snap in her back as the first  upper barrier had been removed. She was completely in a daze and out of her mind!  

As the sensation heightened,  her thoughts became totally dumb,  if not numb. She gave in and he took it.She took it and he likewise gave in.  
The pleasure of their exchanges of giving and taking made them totally forgot the limitations they should have set.

The rain was so fierce outside. If not for her decision to place her tent inside a cottage, they would have been floating. The loud sound of the downpour and the lightning was deafening. The cold wind was freezing. But the heat inside the tent was wildly flaming.

When the rain stopped,  she realized that he had already taken completely her last defense of dignity. The sense of belongingness engulfed her and the pain was overcome by an unexplained pleasure. She was giving herself anyway to the man who owned her heart..  

As they laid in each side,  she came back to her senses!  He was just drunk and probably unconscious of what had happened. But did he not call her name and beg a while ago?

"Jia, tomorrow, let's do the papers. Please,  marry me. "

She did not turn to him. Nor, replied. She could not possibly ruin a home that would soon be established!  She may have dreamed painfully to have him walk at his side forever but a precious creature's heart was already beating inside her bestfriend's womb!

She was too humiliated. How could he say it when his wedding was already set?  After that alcohol intoxication lose its power, he would surely forget it.

Tonight would just forever be a memory...

From this moment on, this night with him would be a banner to be erected in her heart to signify his conquer over her. She should not feel defeated. She should forever take it to her grave that once in her lifetime, her dream was somehow fulfilled.

Marilyn Lucero

Edited: 28.08.2019

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