Font size: - +
-"Tomorrow is Sunday you know." I focused on the ongoing conversation.
-"Yes, you don't have to tell me, that much I know." His voice was as cold as ever which I ignored it as much as I could even though he got on my nerves.
-"I was thinking of going out with my friends to this place they call VALA, a big mall. And in the evening, I thought of cooking dinner instead of you. As a change." I was nervous of his answer and at the same time hoped that he would not try and cook everyday. I figured that he must have brought store-made food because it was not bad at all and as the time went on he tried making it on his own which is until this day failing hard. I looked at my dinner that I di not really wanted to swallow but out of curtesy for him I picked on a little.
-"You can go to the mall, I will be watching you from a distance. I however do object on you making dinner."
-"Why would that be a problem?" I was a little pissed off because of his short answers.
-"That is my job and I shall do it alone." I know he said that but it sounded like ‘I do not trust you enough for me to let you prepare my meals, but I do thank you for your consideration.’
-"You don't trust me? Do you?" Now I was a little more pissed off.
-"I am sorry, but I will do my job by myself, you don’t have to worry about it.” I seriously considered telling him about how torturous and awful it really was. But you know, manners before furies was the wise words said by my mother. I missed that woman. I hoped she was doing fine and that she was not too sad about my death news.
-"Then, on what basis do you think I should trust you? I thought you said that I had to trust you and you had to trust me for us to be able to understand one another."
-"I did say that you had to trust me, not for me to trust you."
-"Isn't it natural for you to trust me back. That's what I expect if you need me to trust you."
-"I am sorry, I can’t do anything about that. You are the subject and I have to protect you and do my daily chores as well. That is all."
I said no more. I was officially done with this conversation. He did not want to trust me, or rather did not need to trust me. After I put down my fork I went straight to my room. I did my homework and sat down at the side of the bed looking at the sky. There were many stars but no bright moon. The heaven was almost pitch black.
I missed my family. Very much. I wanted to see them. The thought made my heart ache and my eyes welled up. Without meaning to, I started to cry.
-"What am I doing. I can't be like this. I have to calm down." Even though I tried to calm myself down I could not stop crying. I was so sad and lonely with no one to trust or be trusted by. When I realized that, I could not stop myself from crying a little too loudly. I told myself to just cry for today. My rule for crying was: I will not cry for the same matter twice. I hoped that I would be strong enough to go through all of this and to be able to go back home someday. Where I would be normal, just like anybody else.
When I woke up the next morning I was put properly to bed. I think Joe heard me cry and when I stopped he put me to bed. I was very grateful for him even though he was a family or even friend. I did not want to bother him, so I cancelled my plans for going out this weekend and I even kept quiet about getting the new phone. I was grateful to him and did not want to make him feel any kind of pressure being with me. My questions, my demands, my wishes and my feelings felt like too much for him to near, he was after all just keeping an eye on me.
I stopped my 'trying to have a conversation' thing. I was not in the mood to do anything. I simply sat in my room and read a boring book or drew some weird things. I did not eat so much either because I had no appetite and was full on a bite or two. In school I acted as I normally do and chatted with friends and s. I just thought it would be bad if they notice something, then the questions, which I had no answer to would come.
Even though I acted normal I was not very good with handling my emotions on the inside. I did write about it a little in my assignments to get rid of some of the stress within me. I am good at writing my emotions out, that’s what my teachers from my old school said. I enjoy writing curse words on paper instead of saying it out. My mother always scolded me for cursing, until I one day just stopped cursing out loud and just wrote them down. And when I was done I usually just threw the paper away or folded it into origami and threw it out the window. So, handing in my actual feelings as assignments was something new for me. I thought that it would be a good way to let off some steam, so I don’t go crazy and at the same time I hoped I would get a good grade. Life was just not as fun for me, and I did not have the strength to ask and get curious about everything surrounding my so-called switch. I just simply wanted to die, only then I could feel free I thought…