The history of the healing

The first days of freedom

The nicest thing after being discharged from the hospital was to take a shower. Completely, without avoiding either the biopsy scar or the catheter. I turned on the shower and directed it straight at my head! What a delightful sensation that was! I hadn't felt that in four months. At the beginning of May I had my biopsy, and since then I had never been able to take a shower properly, and now I felt like the cleanest person in the world!

After that I got a manicure. I didn't do it in the hospital because I was afraid of accidentally getting an infection. Maybe it was silly and paranoid, but I thought it was better to be too much than too little. But now I disinfected all my manicure equipment and I did it.

It was nice to get up at whatever time I wanted. No doctors, no nurses, and no one to disturb my sleep. However, I still would get up early out of habit, but after a few months this passed, and I returned to my usual “owl mode”.

It was only at home that I realized how weak I was. Everything was at hand on the ward, and at home even going to the kitchen for tea was difficult and required a lot of effort. On the first days, I did not go out because I did not have strength to do it. There was no one to accompany me, my husband was working, and my legs were not strong enough to walk on their own. But I could go out on the balcony and get some fresh air. Although I didn't move much, I had more freedom at home than at the hospital. And the most important and unusual thing was the lack of permanent treatment. They did not take blood from the vein, did not put droppers.

In a few days I already could cook. At the weekend, my husband and I went out for a walk around the house. It was strange to feel so weak. At the hospital, we all were like that, but at home I compared myself to my former self and could not believe in the reality of what was happening. I used to think that if you walk somewhere for less than an hour then it's close. And now we took 2 turns around the house – and I was tired. Then we sat down on a bench near the house, like pensioners. But we could not do even this for a long time. Then I found out that sitting also made my muscles tired. And from sitting on a hard bench – even more. Most of the time I was lying in the bed, surrounded with pillows, a book, craftworks, drawing and a laptop.

We looked awesome together with my husband: I was bald, and my husband has long hair. In a few days I understood why people after the cancer wear a headscarf. Not because they are ashamed of their bald head, but because it is cold.

As time went on, I got stronger. I went to walk myself near the house. I went to the public places only in a mask because my immunity was still very low.

I came out of the hospital slim and hoped that I would get away with the fate of all those who undergoes chemotherapy: weight gain. But I was wrong. Quickly, in just a month, I gained 15 kg. The doctors said that it was good. If I hadn’t got on weight, it would have been a bad sign and would have meant that the treatment was not working.

In about 10 days, I started going to the doctors. I had to come to the local therapist, take directions for various ultrasound, blood and some other tests; I don't remember anymore. Besides, it was necessary to register with the district hematologist. If you live in Russia, you understand what free public clinics are. I went there as if to work. PET CT showed that the treatment had worked! There were some residual changes in the tissues, but there was no more tumor, I could be free! An ultrasound of my neck showed that the blood clot had also dissolved. With all these tests I went to the district hematologist and got registered. From then on, I had to be examined every 3 months.

In addition, I started the process of disability status confirmation. And this thing is very tedious. If you are actually disabled, then you may have health not enough to complete all the procedure of registering your disability. Besides, I was afraid to go around by public transport, so as not to catch a virus, and I didn't have strength for it. Some clinics are located far from metro. I had to take a taxi everywhere. As a result, I was given first-degree disability for 2 years. For several more months, the pension fund was thinking of what kind of pension to pay me. So, the disability status confirmation took 4 months.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. In the first weeks after my discharge, I walked around my neighborhood and drew. My strength was gradually restored. Sometimes my friends came to me, we walked near my house. And this is a regular residential area, and the houses there are all about the same. I felt sorry that I live in what I think is the best city in the world, which has so much beauty, but I couldn’t paint it because I was afraid to take the subway, and taxis are expensive. We had financial problems, and I had already spent a lot of money on taxis, driving around clinics. Once I went by taxi to a very beautiful area three subway stations away. It was not expensive; I walked there and drew. What bliss it was! By the end of October, I started ignoring the opinion of my husband and mother and began to ride the subway. But I started to feel cold walking and drawing. I was freezing all the time now. Before the lymphoma, I had enjoyed the cold, I had felt more alive of it. And now 10 minutes in the cold – and 2 weeks with fever.

I had all sorts of thoughts in my head. I was glad to be healthy now. I got a chance for a new life, and I didn't want to waste it on an office with a hated job, as before. But I didn’t understand how to earn money now. However, it was allowed not to think about it yet. I was tired of walking around the doctors, but I was glad that they all talked nice things to me. Besides, it was a reason for going somewhere. I could regard it as physical training. I was ashamed of hanging around my husband's neck, especially since our relationship with him began to deteriorate.