The history of the healing

My new life

What a relief to be alone! I enjoyed every minute of loneliness. No matter what I wanted to eat either halva or gingerbread (it’s from a soviet movie) and I ate them. No one is getting on my nerves. In fact, I was essentially alone before too because my husband used to sleep all day. But he was there as an annoying factor. And now there was no such a factor, and I didn't owe anything to anyone.

Meanwhile, June 2018 arrived. The perfect time for healing wounds because there was a football championship, and a lot of people from different countries came to Moscow. They were all walking around the center of Moscow, having fun, smiling! I just walked among the crowds of these happy people and involuntarily caught their mood.

I realized my old dream: I collected herbs. Previously, work was an obstacle, and the weekends were busy for 2 months ahead. And now I was free. I downloaded an application to my phone that identified a plant from photos. Then I rechecked the herb on the Internet. So, I climbed through the fields and forests with my phone collecting herbs. Now, as I write this, it's already April 2019, and I'm still drinking tea with herbs that I collected that summer.

In July, this day came: I received a divorce stamp in my passport. In addition to relief, there was regret for so many years that we had lived together and resentment against my ex-husband, etc. I don't understand how I could feel so many emotions at the same time. I started watching videos of all sorts of psychologists and analyzed myself. I tried not to bother my friends with constant talking about my personal life, but my emotions were tearing me apart, and I painted to make up for them. In time I stopped regretting the past because, firstly, it was useless, and secondly, there were many positive moments in the past. And it was the past that brought me to this moment here and now, where I am alive, healthy and enjoying solitude. I’ve also let go my resentment against my ex-husband because this is a bad feeling that spoils my mood, and I don't want to feel it. It was not easy to do this, I had to meditate several times in a special way. But I managed to do this in the end. Besides, I put stickers with positive thoughts all over the apartment and reread them every time I passed by. It helped.

I went to plain airs, walked around Moscow, went to excursions, met my friends. Over time, my nerves stabilized. At the end of the summer, I went to my brother to the other city again, and I was already a completely different person.

When autumn came, I began to go to museums and exhibitions. I discovered that, as a disabled person of the first degree, I can take a companion with me to many museums for free. And in some museums, I can even pass without staying in line, which makes me very happy when I go to Pushkin museum or Tretyakov art gallery. In winter, people were standing in the freezing cold for probably two hours. I felt like a deputy when I walked past them, and I was even not alone but with my mother or a friend.

I have to be examined now not every 3 months but every 6 months. Another PET CT scan showed positive dynamics for the first time! The doctors just now said that cases of recovery from my illness and at my stage are rare. So, I declare with full confidence: calmness and positive emotions are the best medicines! By the way, nothing lifts my mood so much as another visit to the hematologist. I look at these bald people with masks and am glad that they remained alive and are now healthy like me. After all, in fact, life is the main thing that we have.

I’ve begun studying calligraphy. I can draw sticks for hours with a pen on paper, surprising everyone with my patience. I have some ideas of self-realization. I understand now that the main thing is to find your style and not to give up. And I’ve realized it just now, at the most perfect moment for it.

It's amazing how everything in life happens in a timely fashion. I remember all the events that happened to me, and mentally shift them in time. And then it becomes clear that all of them happened exactly when it should have happened. Before every event, good or bad, I had to go a certain way to make this event mature.

And now my life has been reset in all spheres: health, personal life, work. I'm starting from scratch. And I am very happy about it. Who else does life give a chance to start living again at the age of 35? And it gave it to me. And not just from zero. I have knowledge that I can use and develop, as well as a disability pension that gives me time for self-realization without having to work at a hated job. I will definitely succeed, otherwise why have I found myself in these circumstances? I am very grateful to fate for everything that has happened to me. And for the disease, as well. If it wasn't for it, I probably wouldn’t have known what freedom is.

And since I remember a song in any circumstances, I still want to finish with the words from the song of the Master group:

I dreamed of begging for 33 lives.

I received one and I stopped short of arguing.

I will live all these lives in one

With the wind behind my back.